Two years ago, I met this stranger who eventually lives in my head until today. That time, I really had no interest in starting a fire. But as the days went by, this person lit the candle within myself, and guess what? This person brightened up my days back then whenever we spent our times together. It has been almost a year since our last confession and good bye, the feeling isn't fading and the fire is still burning, but it's over.
We found each other, but we got lost half of the way.
I'm also the one to blame, as C. S. Lewis once said in one of his books "The Four Loves":
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
First of all, my heart is already wrung and broken, like I cried my eyes out when I found out that my dog was wounded. I could even cry over a video of animals being abused or suffered. I love too many things in life and fair amount of people. They could give my heart a little crack once in a while, but I tolerate it. I could bear with a series of unintended broken heart people gave to me--as long as it's unintended. It's legit an inevitable consequence for loving.
The funny part is, I'm not ready to be vulnerable. This is the major reason why I avoid deeper connection in terms of romantic relationship. If I ever, in my life, want to get to know someone new, I would make a move. I'll be the first one to approach I don't care. The problem is, I have a cluttered side of life that I don't want my future lover to discover. I want everything to be tidy before welcoming somebody.
Some of you may think, "if somebody loves you they would accept you and whatever shortcomings you're carrying at the moment". Well yes but I don't expect someone to help me fix all the fuck-ups in my life. I am the one responsible for those all, and I won't share this burden to anyone (except I hire some guaranteed professionals), let alone to ones that I love. Imagine I have a house, I'll never let anyone in until my house is neatly organized and each room and space sparks joy to me. I'll never let anyone in until my house becomes a home for me. Okay I think I need Marie Kondo's help at this point. But I hope that could be a good metaphor.
You may also think "Wow girl I think you're trying to hide something and you're not even being vulnerable in the first place since you want everything to be perfect for your lover." Hmm I have to say that I disagree. What I really want is, I want to lessen the factors that may be a turn-off or may create unnecessary problems between us two. Not to be perfect but neat and cozy, so I won't have to hide some parts of my life.
What do I mean by 'neat and cozy' anyway? I know exactly what that is, it's just... So many things from tangible to intangible one. I have no problem in talking about that, because talking about something to someone doesn't always mean involving them in action--except I'm asking for their help. But this time, I'll talk about it when only someone asks. I'll assume no one asks for what 'neat and cozy' means lol so I don't need to explain it (note that you can always ask me personally anyway, don't worry).
Okay that's my other problem. This is the reason why I have this belief of not going to marry anyone at all, I have to be organized first. Now that I know what are the things in my life that need an organizing, I'm starting to beat that irrational belief. I'm preparing to konmari my life and once I'm done, I'll make a move!
Anyhoo, why does it sound like I'm taking love such a complicated 'phenomenon' to deal with? Why do I bother making up all these prerequisites for loving someone? Cinta ya cinta aja kali, ribet amat.
Answer: Loving someone and being ready in a relationship is a whole complete different thing. That's all.
The point of my story above is actually as simple as I'm single and not ready to mingle.
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| Credit: pinterest |
Hey, this could be a movie recommendation. Here it is, ladies and gentlemen: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004). This is the typical Charlie Kaufman's masterpiece you have to watch. I really love this movie he-he.
"Objection, ma'am. Are you sure you're going to win this time? How can you make sure that you can get your life organized? How if it's just another unrealistic expectations of yours? How is this a certainty?" Answer: Young man, I know this sounds crazy but I'm sure this is a certainty, this may take a pretty long time to finish, but I can guarantee this is not going to end up being a just a crap.
"I'll never let anyone in until my house becomes a home for me."
BalasHapus-mmm that's a great metaphor, i'm astounded :O
"I have to be organized first. Now that I know what are the things in my life that need an organizing"
-Glad that you figured it our what you need to do.
"this may take a pretty long time to finish, but I can guarantee this is not going to end up being a just a crap."
-Take all the time you need gurl..but, dont forget to let love in when the time is right..
I rarely fall i love and get heartbroken.. but, each time that i do..., it aaallllwayss teach me something.
So.. maybe heartbreaks isn't totally a bad thing.. (?)
"why does it sound like I'm taking love such a complicated 'phenomenon' to deal with?"
-it iss.... not easy and complicated! hence, i've been single for 22 years now XD
being a soloist is not a bad thing thoo..
maybe we think too much and feel too little, just maybe (?)
"Are you sure you're going to win this time? How can you make sure that you can get your life organized?"
-You'll find it out.. eventually..
So.. how to love correctly and what does neat & cozy means for you?
HI KAK! Thank you for all those heartfelt replies from fractions of my written thoughts, I appreciate each of them, really.
HapusPhew, hard questions. Okay I'm trying my best but the answers might not be the best lol.
How to love correctly?
Since I'm still learning how to love correctly, I guess I need to fully understand what love means to me in the first place. But for now, maybe love is that contagious happiness when they're happy, contagious smile when they're smiling, laughing at their not-even-funny jokes, enjoying times spent together, and on and on. Huh what a great deal of purple prose I'm using.
Okay back to the question, how to love correctly?
I've lived for 20 years now and I learned that there are so many form of loving, I show love in certain ways and it really depends on who the person is. There are some people in my life who fit in merely acts of service, some other people show love through spending quality times together, some others just love the feeling of giving words of affirmation, or maybe physical touch. those are all correct ways of loving and a person can adopt more than one (but probably there are more than I just mentioned). Personally, I'm into sending and receiving gifts (and letters! I looove letters). But I think I'm okay with the other forms of love. it just really depends on the person and the context. But of course 20 years of living doesn't guarantee I've loved people in a way they're comfortable with. I'll just conclude that love is a lifelong process of learning. I think that's it?
About neat and cozy, hmm I need to reorganize my mind, I need a relaxing bonding with few of the closest people in my life first, I'm still learning to set a clear boundaries with other people so that's one of them. Wow, I think my brain is floating because there's just too much to explain. Now I'm concerned with my own thoughts, geez what is wrong with me hahaha.
Anyway, merry christmas kakak! May Santa comes and gives you a hug, or maybe presents, or maybe chocolate, or a fair weather or laugh or anything delightful.