Indira Kesari

 Story time!

I've missed blogging already, It's been an exhausting 2 months since I posted the last one about Mindfulness. I don't want to lose track on writing (no matter how random the topic being talked about is). So here I am! Now let's talk about mediocrity.

Mediocrity

/ˌmiː.diˈɑː.krə.t̬i/

The quality of not being very good; A person that is not very good at something or not very good at anything in particular, or something that is not very good.

(Source: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/mediocrity)

I have lived long enough to proclaim myself as a mediocre in literally everything. You name it. 

Growing up, I did realize that I'm an amateur. And to be frank, I am okay with being an amateur. Matter of fact is, I was about to write a post entitled "Being Amateur, Is It A Problem?" on this blog back in 2017. But I never started writing it as I slowly shifted my belief from being-an-amateur-is-okay to an idea that being an amateur is not a good thing.

Since I was a kid, I've been excited to music and instruments. Until today, I still play guitar, ukulele, but not keyboard anymore (used to), though I'm currently at this point of living where I crave playing keyboard. The reason is because mine's broken. Yeah it's sad. But the thing is: I'm not a very good instrument player.

Back in elementary to high school, I was an underachiever. I didn't have much ambition to study. I wasn't interested in any courses except for English. I remember it crystal clear that my biology teacher once called me stupid in front of other students, responding me who misplaced left and right ventricles of human heart. People called me lazy. I was lazy. But I survived still. 12 years of compulsory school and not a single accomplishment was accomplished.

And here comes my journey to bachelor degree. This is my third year of college. And I'm not the brightest student.

With all these not-so-much accomplishments that I have achieved so far, or my parents can be proud of, or other parents can be jealous of, or my uncles and aunts could brag about, I will honestly say that I was not okay with myself.

I was not okay with the fact that I was such a lazy student, lack of ambition.

I was not okay with the fact that I have not challenged myself to a certain amount of times where I could gradually improve and master some skills.

I hated the fact that I give up so easily.

I hated the fact that I'm now in my twenty something, but still an amateur in so many aspects or haven't yet achieved something significant.

Yes, I hated the fact that I am a mediocre.

I wished that I could turn back the time and give the best I could in practicing to play instruments. I wished I spent more time to study and get a lot of As. I wished I spent the money my parents gave to buy a lot of books for me to read. I wished that I took care of myself better so I could become less ugly. I wish I took English debating seriously so I could win one or two competitions. I wished I was loyal to the activities or things that once I was excited to. But I ended up committing to none.

I hated myself. I'm not the "me" that I aspired to be. I should've won many whatever competitions. I should've had some medals hanging on the wall and trophies exposed on the floating shelves. I should've... Endless shoulds.

You see, this has to do with my ideal self and constantly comparing this 'Ideal Indi' with the 'Real Indi'. I've set very high (and could be unrealistic) standards for me. Too high expectations that it led to perfectionism.

And what in the world is that term?

Perfectionism

/pɚˈfek.ʃən.ɪ.zəm/

The wish for everything to be correct or perfect.

(Source: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/perfectionism)

I cannot deal with the fact that I'm not the perfect daughter, the perfect student, perfect friend or girlfriend. This makes me a very self-conscious person and every little mistake I magnified as a big hell of a mistake that I should never let to happen. As a result, I became completely intolerant to my own self.

Being my own biggest critique was not satisfying at all (not recommended, you guys). I called myself stupid and ugly all the time. I never felt enough of every little progress I made over time. "I'm such a failure!" said me quite often.

I didn't accept my past, my present, and I was not ready for my future.

So many tears, so many sadness, so many disappointments, so many starving-myself-to-death episodes. So many giving ups. So many thoughts to just end this all. Because I thought, what's the point of living if I'm always failing?

It felt like you constantly argue with yourself. It felt like you always wanna fight yourself. The turbulence inside my mind sometimes drive me crazy.

As my cognitive gradually shifts from irrationality to slightly logical, that's when I started to nurture and love myself gently. Listen, it's not as easy as it seems, as it written, or as it sounds. Way, way harder when I gotta deal with it in reality.

I'm a mediocre, and it's okay to be one.

I may not be as successful as who you might see on telly, and I'm okay with it.

I'm just another girl, living somewhere in the middle of a small town in a developing country.

There are maybe 70-80 percents (rough estimation) of other people like me in this big big world, who are not a high achiever, and still happy living life in mediocrity.

Mediocrity doesn't equal, nor correlate, nor the cause of being unhappy.

As a closure, I just want you guys to know that I'm extremely happy to finally feel enough about myself. I can't lie though, there are still times where I'm not really satisfied with the things that I've done, but it doesn't last long. I will always and always come back to feel enough again about myself.

Important thing to ponder upon: Fully accepting or feeling enough about one self doesn't necessarily mean that one doesn't need to improve to be a better person, in any aspect. You don't gotta stay in the same bubble forever for the sake of comfort. Human constantly changes anyway. Keep in mind that there's nothing wrong to grow and develop your qualities or skills, that there's nothing wrong in challenging yourself as long as you do it in a healthy manner and they align to your goals. Last but not least, please DO NOT forbid yourself to take a rest. Okay? Stay healthy.

Cheerio <3

Ngomong-ngomong, menjadi warga negara yang biasa saja itu menyenangkan.