Indira Kesari

Hey, I reckon that I lost half of my ability to speak with good articulation recently due to not having a proper social life this past few months. I even find it hard to recall particular verbs in both IND/ENG when trying to connect with people. I don’t talk much in a day, less than 500 words are spoken, I suppose. But I have my own dialogue in my mind (of course with my imaginary therapist, which is my wise old man archetype lol) and that doesn’t require as much effort as I talk to real humans in person.

I wanna write something but I don’t know what that is, but I really really wanna write something because my thought just bursts in tears a few minutes ago (monthly hormonal issue that drives me emotional and dramatic). Okay why don’t I just talk randomly, anything crosses my mind right away—something that my mind always does.

I have a confession to make.

I’m afraid talking to people and in public, and it’s a struggle for me to verbalize my thoughts. Every class presentation is a challenge for me. But at some rare point I could talk to strangers I just met, get along with them easily, and become so proud of myself. But most of the times, I prefer to just shut up rather than saying something but with ugly articulation and (often) slipping of my tongue. It’s right if you think that I’m self-conscious ‘cause I’m positive that I am. I’ve gone through a lot of embarrassments that if I'm in that situation once, I will constantly feel like I’m the entire circus, like I’m just a walking hall of shame that could accidentally embarrass myself at any moment possible and everyone around laughs at me. And then I will spend some time to rehearse myself to just relax and accept the fact that one ugly thing happened. Girl suck it up.

With all my self-consciousness, I am highly aware that this won’t bring me anywhere further, and ironically, I’m also afraid of staying in my own bubble and not making any small progress as a human being. I want to share thoughts and perspectives with another human being as well, but: with no fear of saying things wrong, of having to anticipate my speech, of focusing on what am I about to speak out rather than on what we are talking about. I’m so sure that that would feel good, because I adore a lot of people in life and I want to learn something from them (on another level, like interviewing them or having a conversation with them). What do I expect if I have this unnecessary awkwardness and anxious feeling out of the blue just to speak. Just to speak and connect with another person. Gosh really. This sucks.

I still dream of my future self reading this post, smiling and saying “look how much progress you’ve done so far that brought me here.” She doesn’t have to speak in front of million people but, at least she has this level of confidence that she has no doubt getting along with, for example the president, or Hayao Miyazaki (I'm gonna learn to speak fluent Japanese), or with my own parents at the very least.

One day, I will tackle my self-consciousness down and turn it into self-confidence. This gon' be a long and gradual process to go through.

What else am I going to say, um. Yeah, remember that last post about Kuliah Online? I also have another confession: Fifth semester is way too hard, you guys. For the first time in a while I feel like I need a boyfriend (I promise that's just me and my silly fantasy). But this too shall pass, I’m currently facing my mid-semester exams, pray for me and my friends, please? Thank you so much. I also pray for you, whoever you are reading this (I really appreciate it), to have a healthy mind, body, and surroundings. We’re in this together. Cheer up! (It’s funny because I cried just about an hour ago and I’m telling people to cheer up).

Here, I have two series recommendation that could ease you up from the burden of life: The Haunting of Hill House (2018) and The Haunting of Bly Manor (2020). Both are such great enjoyable series, and I like Hill House better.

Trivial confession: I just finished Hill House yesterday with so much tears, if a movie or series could cry my eyes out, that simply means it's a masterpiece (at least for me. You too, maybe). If you miss watching horror series but also look for non-ordinary & non-boring plots, The Haunting series could be a great choice. I also cried over Bly Manor, so it's amazing too.

Credit: https://bleedingcool.com/tv/haunting-of-hill-house-season-2-haunting-bly-manor/

Credit: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10970552/